Very few women seem to have the “perfect” relationship with their Mother-in-Laws. In fact, I have yet to meet one who does. There is a reason for this. It comes down to a very basic need all women have. Understanding this need is about her, and not about you, can go a long way in helping your relationship succeed.
* The Need Of Every Woman *
Before we go too far, it is important for you to understand your Mother-in-Law has what is deeply rooted in all women. We have a need for love. Like many women, this has translated into desire for unconditional love from a man. The problem is, us women often feel a sense of lack when it comes to our Fathers and our Husbands loving us. The grown up men in our lives are usually wounded and unable to give us the love we truly desire. What is left is a void just waiting to be filled.
* The Son Fills A Need *
Along comes the Son. He needs his Mom and at least while he is younger, his love is unconditional. Over time, this loving boy grows up to be a man, but your Mother-in-Law is left with the taste of what it is really like to be unconditionally loved. She has experienced from her Son what she has not experienced from other men. On a subconscious level, their relationship is proof that she is lovable. After all, she struggles with self worth like any other woman.
* The Wife As The Threat *
Is it any wonder that when the Son presents his new wife, she can be perceived as a threat to the relationship? The Mother-in-Law compares the Son’s wife to HERSELF. If she is not strong enough in her belief that she is okay as a woman (and most women aren’t), it is a temptation to see the shortcomings of the Daughter-in-Law so she can feel good about herself.
Your Mother-in-Law believes no other woman can love her Son like she can. When her Son is unhappy, it is the opportunity to say, “I could make him happier.” If her Son is happy, she can be even more vigilant in finding something wrong with the other woman (who happens to be you). Keep in mind this is about her, not you.
A Mother-in-Law who is further along the path of healing will find a Daughter-in-Law less threatening because she knows she is lovable as a woman. She doesn’t fear losing her Son’s love. Unfortunately, few women have found this path of healing.
Women tend to measure themselves against women. At times we wonder, “Am I beautiful enough to be loved?”; “Am I good enough?”; or “Do I have what it takes to make a man happy?” Why would this comparison be any different in a Mother to Daughter-in-Law relationship? In this case, the Mother-in-Law feels she has already proved she can love the Son better.
Where do the Daughter-in-Law hooks come in? Once again, there is this need to “prove ourselves as good enough”. We are triggered because we still want to know we’re a good enough wife, a good enough woman or a good enough mother. If we haven’t convinced ourselves, how can we stand strong enough in who we are when our Mother-in-Law comes around? If your Husband is not treating you well, even more fuel is added to the fire.
So how CAN you ease your Mother-in-Law woes?
1. Have Mercy
Begin by recognizing your Mother-in-Law has hurts that are at the heart of every woman. How she deals with you is an overflow out of the pain in her own heart. Those hurts are about her and have nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the one who married her Son.
Choose to treat your Mother-in-Law with gentleness and respect. She is simply another woman struggling with to come to terms with the value past society seems to have placed on all women. She has some of the same needs you do.
2. Build Yourself Up
The strongest kind of love you can have is when you love others as much as yourself. Love without self love has many hooks in it. You are less vulnerable to attack when you are worthy in your own eyes. You are less likely to react negatively and less likely to get hurt by it all.
Strengthen your heart by affirming your own value. Find ways to build up your self esteem. Choose to accept that you are beautiful. You are talented and you are good enough. You don’t need your Mother-in-Law’s approval to be okay with your value as a woman or as a wife.
3. Deflect Those Arrows
If you Mother-in-Law throws an arrow towards you, choose not to take the arrow into your heart. If a dart does find it’s mark, remove it gently by reminding yourself you are OK as a woman. Remember, you ARE lovable, beautiful, and good enough to be with her Son. Don’t take her hurts on as your own. The more you are okay with who you are, the less Mother-in-Law troubles will affect you.
4. Stand Your Ground
Boundaries are much more productive than “war lines”. Learn to put boundaries around you and your heart. Consider what your boundaries may be and how you will react in a way that honors your Mother-in-Law while standing your ground. There is no reason for attack, especially when you remember she is already feeling threatened by you. You can treat her with dignity and respect while making sure you don’t betray your own self and how you’ve chosen to live your life.
A good place to start is by setting boundaries around how you are treated or by affirming your control in areas related to your personal life. Consider carefully what the consequence will be so you aren’t left stumbling if your boundary is crossed. It’s a good idea to warn your Husband that you value yourself enough to stand strong in the areas that matter most. This is YOUR boundary, but his support would be most welcome!
5. Commit To Being Yourself
Don’t become the woman you think your Mother-in-Law accuses you of being. Learn to get comfortable with who you really are. Of course that means accepting you are valuable and have a lot to offer. Why hide who you really are? It’s time to be yourself, without apology.
This doesn’t mean exposing yourself in a way that opens you up for abuse. It simply means to “just be you” when around her. It takes a lot of stress out of the relationship when you decide to be you instead of trying to be what she wants. Make the decision to not get stressed or rattled. Your Mother-in-Law doesn’t decide your worth so she cannot get to you unless you let her.
So now you have some strategies for managing Mother-in-Law woes. Remember, keeping your issues separate from your Mother-in-Law’s issues can ease the struggles which are bound to happen. It doesn’t have to get so hard at times!
Tami Szabo specializes in Personal Success Coaching for Women who want to create a life of passion and purpose at home and at work. Learn about Wives Alive Coaching and Get Free Success Tips for Women on her website at www.destinysdoorcoaching.com
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