You are stuck in a dead-end relationship and you really want out. You do not want to hurt this person’s feelings, because regardless of how bad things are, you care. How do you go about telling her that you would rather not be friends anymore? Should you just do a disappearing act and hope he will get the point? Is it a good idea to just withdraw until you drift apart?
Just like breaking up with a lover, ending a relationship with a friend is not an easy thing to do. In fact, it is so complicated that most people prefer to continue being involved with somebody they cannot stand simply to avoid the messiness of telling them good-bye. I’ve heard of people pretending not to be home to keep from spending time with a person they didn’t like. Sometimes, though, separation is not necessary. A lot of problems can be solved with an honest conversation.
Here is what I suggest:
1. Have a sincere talk with your friend. Suddenly falling out of the picture is not a good idea, because your friend might never know what he did wrong and will not be able to learn from the experience. And that would not be fair.
2. During your heart to heart conversation, observe this person. Is she paying attention or is she just waiting for you to shut up so she can answer back? Is he denying everything you say and twisting around your words to make you feel guilty? Or is she open-mindedly trying to work things out with you? If your friend’s reaction is one of complete denial, then I guess it is clear indication that you need to move on.
3. After your talk, allow yourself some time and space to assimilate what happened. If there is hope, figure out what steps need to be taken to keep the friendship on the right track. Don’t allow your friend to manipulate you into staying together because it will only produce more resentment on your part, and a relationship founded on pity is hardly ever a good idea.
4. If you still feel that you need to end it, be nice. Remember that what goes around comes around. After you have had the opportunity to think things through, tell your friend that you would prefer not to spend time with him anymore. Assure him that you will always be there for him, but that for now it is best to go your separate ways. Say this as directly as possible. Do not beat around the bush as that would only lead to confusion. And by all means void accusing, offensive remarks.
But what happens if you are on the receiving end of the break-up? What if you are the friend that everybody is trying to ditch? Take the time to seriously and honestly evaluate your attitude. Maybe you need to work on some unattractive aspect of your personality or maybe you just have the bad habit of surrounding yourself with people that do not really appreciate you.
Dinorah Blackman's books may be previewed and purchased at www.lulu.com/blackman
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday
Managing Your Mother-in-Law: What Every Woman Needs To Know
Very few women seem to have the “perfect” relationship with their Mother-in-Laws. In fact, I have yet to meet one who does. There is a reason for this. It comes down to a very basic need all women have. Understanding this need is about her, and not about you, can go a long way in helping your relationship succeed.
* The Need Of Every Woman *
Before we go too far, it is important for you to understand your Mother-in-Law has what is deeply rooted in all women. We have a need for love. Like many women, this has translated into desire for unconditional love from a man. The problem is, us women often feel a sense of lack when it comes to our Fathers and our Husbands loving us. The grown up men in our lives are usually wounded and unable to give us the love we truly desire. What is left is a void just waiting to be filled.
* The Son Fills A Need *
Along comes the Son. He needs his Mom and at least while he is younger, his love is unconditional. Over time, this loving boy grows up to be a man, but your Mother-in-Law is left with the taste of what it is really like to be unconditionally loved. She has experienced from her Son what she has not experienced from other men. On a subconscious level, their relationship is proof that she is lovable. After all, she struggles with self worth like any other woman.
* The Wife As The Threat *
Is it any wonder that when the Son presents his new wife, she can be perceived as a threat to the relationship? The Mother-in-Law compares the Son’s wife to HERSELF. If she is not strong enough in her belief that she is okay as a woman (and most women aren’t), it is a temptation to see the shortcomings of the Daughter-in-Law so she can feel good about herself.
Your Mother-in-Law believes no other woman can love her Son like she can. When her Son is unhappy, it is the opportunity to say, “I could make him happier.” If her Son is happy, she can be even more vigilant in finding something wrong with the other woman (who happens to be you). Keep in mind this is about her, not you.
A Mother-in-Law who is further along the path of healing will find a Daughter-in-Law less threatening because she knows she is lovable as a woman. She doesn’t fear losing her Son’s love. Unfortunately, few women have found this path of healing.
Women tend to measure themselves against women. At times we wonder, “Am I beautiful enough to be loved?”; “Am I good enough?”; or “Do I have what it takes to make a man happy?” Why would this comparison be any different in a Mother to Daughter-in-Law relationship? In this case, the Mother-in-Law feels she has already proved she can love the Son better.
Where do the Daughter-in-Law hooks come in? Once again, there is this need to “prove ourselves as good enough”. We are triggered because we still want to know we’re a good enough wife, a good enough woman or a good enough mother. If we haven’t convinced ourselves, how can we stand strong enough in who we are when our Mother-in-Law comes around? If your Husband is not treating you well, even more fuel is added to the fire.
So how CAN you ease your Mother-in-Law woes?
1. Have Mercy
Begin by recognizing your Mother-in-Law has hurts that are at the heart of every woman. How she deals with you is an overflow out of the pain in her own heart. Those hurts are about her and have nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the one who married her Son.
Choose to treat your Mother-in-Law with gentleness and respect. She is simply another woman struggling with to come to terms with the value past society seems to have placed on all women. She has some of the same needs you do.
2. Build Yourself Up
The strongest kind of love you can have is when you love others as much as yourself. Love without self love has many hooks in it. You are less vulnerable to attack when you are worthy in your own eyes. You are less likely to react negatively and less likely to get hurt by it all.
Strengthen your heart by affirming your own value. Find ways to build up your self esteem. Choose to accept that you are beautiful. You are talented and you are good enough. You don’t need your Mother-in-Law’s approval to be okay with your value as a woman or as a wife.
3. Deflect Those Arrows
If you Mother-in-Law throws an arrow towards you, choose not to take the arrow into your heart. If a dart does find it’s mark, remove it gently by reminding yourself you are OK as a woman. Remember, you ARE lovable, beautiful, and good enough to be with her Son. Don’t take her hurts on as your own. The more you are okay with who you are, the less Mother-in-Law troubles will affect you.
4. Stand Your Ground
Boundaries are much more productive than “war lines”. Learn to put boundaries around you and your heart. Consider what your boundaries may be and how you will react in a way that honors your Mother-in-Law while standing your ground. There is no reason for attack, especially when you remember she is already feeling threatened by you. You can treat her with dignity and respect while making sure you don’t betray your own self and how you’ve chosen to live your life.
A good place to start is by setting boundaries around how you are treated or by affirming your control in areas related to your personal life. Consider carefully what the consequence will be so you aren’t left stumbling if your boundary is crossed. It’s a good idea to warn your Husband that you value yourself enough to stand strong in the areas that matter most. This is YOUR boundary, but his support would be most welcome!
5. Commit To Being Yourself
Don’t become the woman you think your Mother-in-Law accuses you of being. Learn to get comfortable with who you really are. Of course that means accepting you are valuable and have a lot to offer. Why hide who you really are? It’s time to be yourself, without apology.
This doesn’t mean exposing yourself in a way that opens you up for abuse. It simply means to “just be you” when around her. It takes a lot of stress out of the relationship when you decide to be you instead of trying to be what she wants. Make the decision to not get stressed or rattled. Your Mother-in-Law doesn’t decide your worth so she cannot get to you unless you let her.
So now you have some strategies for managing Mother-in-Law woes. Remember, keeping your issues separate from your Mother-in-Law’s issues can ease the struggles which are bound to happen. It doesn’t have to get so hard at times!
Tami Szabo specializes in Personal Success Coaching for Women who want to create a life of passion and purpose at home and at work. Learn about Wives Alive Coaching and Get Free Success Tips for Women on her website at www.destinysdoorcoaching.com
* The Need Of Every Woman *
Before we go too far, it is important for you to understand your Mother-in-Law has what is deeply rooted in all women. We have a need for love. Like many women, this has translated into desire for unconditional love from a man. The problem is, us women often feel a sense of lack when it comes to our Fathers and our Husbands loving us. The grown up men in our lives are usually wounded and unable to give us the love we truly desire. What is left is a void just waiting to be filled.
* The Son Fills A Need *
Along comes the Son. He needs his Mom and at least while he is younger, his love is unconditional. Over time, this loving boy grows up to be a man, but your Mother-in-Law is left with the taste of what it is really like to be unconditionally loved. She has experienced from her Son what she has not experienced from other men. On a subconscious level, their relationship is proof that she is lovable. After all, she struggles with self worth like any other woman.
* The Wife As The Threat *
Is it any wonder that when the Son presents his new wife, she can be perceived as a threat to the relationship? The Mother-in-Law compares the Son’s wife to HERSELF. If she is not strong enough in her belief that she is okay as a woman (and most women aren’t), it is a temptation to see the shortcomings of the Daughter-in-Law so she can feel good about herself.
Your Mother-in-Law believes no other woman can love her Son like she can. When her Son is unhappy, it is the opportunity to say, “I could make him happier.” If her Son is happy, she can be even more vigilant in finding something wrong with the other woman (who happens to be you). Keep in mind this is about her, not you.
A Mother-in-Law who is further along the path of healing will find a Daughter-in-Law less threatening because she knows she is lovable as a woman. She doesn’t fear losing her Son’s love. Unfortunately, few women have found this path of healing.
Women tend to measure themselves against women. At times we wonder, “Am I beautiful enough to be loved?”; “Am I good enough?”; or “Do I have what it takes to make a man happy?” Why would this comparison be any different in a Mother to Daughter-in-Law relationship? In this case, the Mother-in-Law feels she has already proved she can love the Son better.
Where do the Daughter-in-Law hooks come in? Once again, there is this need to “prove ourselves as good enough”. We are triggered because we still want to know we’re a good enough wife, a good enough woman or a good enough mother. If we haven’t convinced ourselves, how can we stand strong enough in who we are when our Mother-in-Law comes around? If your Husband is not treating you well, even more fuel is added to the fire.
So how CAN you ease your Mother-in-Law woes?
1. Have Mercy
Begin by recognizing your Mother-in-Law has hurts that are at the heart of every woman. How she deals with you is an overflow out of the pain in her own heart. Those hurts are about her and have nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the one who married her Son.
Choose to treat your Mother-in-Law with gentleness and respect. She is simply another woman struggling with to come to terms with the value past society seems to have placed on all women. She has some of the same needs you do.
2. Build Yourself Up
The strongest kind of love you can have is when you love others as much as yourself. Love without self love has many hooks in it. You are less vulnerable to attack when you are worthy in your own eyes. You are less likely to react negatively and less likely to get hurt by it all.
Strengthen your heart by affirming your own value. Find ways to build up your self esteem. Choose to accept that you are beautiful. You are talented and you are good enough. You don’t need your Mother-in-Law’s approval to be okay with your value as a woman or as a wife.
3. Deflect Those Arrows
If you Mother-in-Law throws an arrow towards you, choose not to take the arrow into your heart. If a dart does find it’s mark, remove it gently by reminding yourself you are OK as a woman. Remember, you ARE lovable, beautiful, and good enough to be with her Son. Don’t take her hurts on as your own. The more you are okay with who you are, the less Mother-in-Law troubles will affect you.
4. Stand Your Ground
Boundaries are much more productive than “war lines”. Learn to put boundaries around you and your heart. Consider what your boundaries may be and how you will react in a way that honors your Mother-in-Law while standing your ground. There is no reason for attack, especially when you remember she is already feeling threatened by you. You can treat her with dignity and respect while making sure you don’t betray your own self and how you’ve chosen to live your life.
A good place to start is by setting boundaries around how you are treated or by affirming your control in areas related to your personal life. Consider carefully what the consequence will be so you aren’t left stumbling if your boundary is crossed. It’s a good idea to warn your Husband that you value yourself enough to stand strong in the areas that matter most. This is YOUR boundary, but his support would be most welcome!
5. Commit To Being Yourself
Don’t become the woman you think your Mother-in-Law accuses you of being. Learn to get comfortable with who you really are. Of course that means accepting you are valuable and have a lot to offer. Why hide who you really are? It’s time to be yourself, without apology.
This doesn’t mean exposing yourself in a way that opens you up for abuse. It simply means to “just be you” when around her. It takes a lot of stress out of the relationship when you decide to be you instead of trying to be what she wants. Make the decision to not get stressed or rattled. Your Mother-in-Law doesn’t decide your worth so she cannot get to you unless you let her.
So now you have some strategies for managing Mother-in-Law woes. Remember, keeping your issues separate from your Mother-in-Law’s issues can ease the struggles which are bound to happen. It doesn’t have to get so hard at times!
Tami Szabo specializes in Personal Success Coaching for Women who want to create a life of passion and purpose at home and at work. Learn about Wives Alive Coaching and Get Free Success Tips for Women on her website at www.destinysdoorcoaching.com
Thursday
10 Things Never To Say To A Guy
Ladies, if you want to have a successful dating life, certain phrases should never come out of your glossy lips. Here they are:
1. When will I see you again? You’ll see him when you see him. If he wants to see you again, he’ll call. If not, next. You don’t have time for anyone that doesn’t have time for you.
2. Why didn’t you call? There’s only one answer to this question: Because he didn’t want to!!! What you’re really asking is, “Why didn’t you want to call me?” Who knows!! There could be a lot of reasons, but you shouldn’t be sitting around wondering why. You should be out dating lots of different guys and not worrying about ONE guy. Don’t be so quick to put all your eggs into one basket, because if they break, it’s a big mess!
3. Where were you? If he wanted you to know where he was, he’d tell you. What you’re really asking is, “Where you with another female that you like better than me?” Your insecurity is showing, sweetie. If anything, he should be wondering where you were.
4. I love you. You’re saying it in the hopes that he’ll say it back, but what if he doesn’t? You’ll be devastated and probably feel foolish. Saying “I love you” is not going to speed things up if he’s not ready to say it back. So just cool it, and let him be the first to say it when he’s ready.
5. Did you sleep with her? As long as he’s not sleeping with her now, who cares? The past is gone. Don’t torture yourself (and him) with these thoughts. In this case, ignorance really is bliss.
6. Are you seeing anyone else? Mystery is to men what romance is to women. You’ve just indirectly told him that you want to be exclusive, you’ve handed over control of the relationship and you’ve killed the mystery. Who knew 5 words could be so powerful?
7. Where is this going? Nowhere fast if that’s your attitude. Guys want someone fun and easy to be with, not someone that’s constantly worrying about the future. His actions or non-actions will tell you where it’s going. If it’s going somewhere, you’ll know it. If it’s not, you’ll know it too.
8. We need to talk. This is the equivalent of, “Go to the principal’s office”. Guys know it’s not going to be a fun conversation, so they’re already on the defense. If you need to discuss something, just casually bring it up when the both of you are relaxed. Don’t try to talk to him when he’s tired, stressed or trying to watch tv!
9. What are you thinking? What you’re really asking is: Is something wrong? Are you mad at me? Are you thinking about our relationship? Are you thinking about me? Are you thinking about someone else? If he wants you to know what he’s thinking, he’ll tell you on his own. If he doesn’t, he’ll lie when you ask.
10. I don’t trust you. What you’re actually saying is, “You need to step up your game, because I can see you’re up to something.” If he is up to something, he’ll just become even sneakier. Better to think smart and act dumb-it’ll be easier to get the evidence you need to confirm your suspicions.
Lucia is a dating and relationship expert, columnist, author and host of the TV Show "The Art of Love". With over 20 years experience on the relationship market, Lucia's practical know-how makes her the perfect candidate to dispense advice – in almost every dating dilemma she has been there, done that and lived to tell about it. For more information, go to: http://www.lessonsoflove.net
1. When will I see you again? You’ll see him when you see him. If he wants to see you again, he’ll call. If not, next. You don’t have time for anyone that doesn’t have time for you.
2. Why didn’t you call? There’s only one answer to this question: Because he didn’t want to!!! What you’re really asking is, “Why didn’t you want to call me?” Who knows!! There could be a lot of reasons, but you shouldn’t be sitting around wondering why. You should be out dating lots of different guys and not worrying about ONE guy. Don’t be so quick to put all your eggs into one basket, because if they break, it’s a big mess!
3. Where were you? If he wanted you to know where he was, he’d tell you. What you’re really asking is, “Where you with another female that you like better than me?” Your insecurity is showing, sweetie. If anything, he should be wondering where you were.
4. I love you. You’re saying it in the hopes that he’ll say it back, but what if he doesn’t? You’ll be devastated and probably feel foolish. Saying “I love you” is not going to speed things up if he’s not ready to say it back. So just cool it, and let him be the first to say it when he’s ready.
5. Did you sleep with her? As long as he’s not sleeping with her now, who cares? The past is gone. Don’t torture yourself (and him) with these thoughts. In this case, ignorance really is bliss.
6. Are you seeing anyone else? Mystery is to men what romance is to women. You’ve just indirectly told him that you want to be exclusive, you’ve handed over control of the relationship and you’ve killed the mystery. Who knew 5 words could be so powerful?
7. Where is this going? Nowhere fast if that’s your attitude. Guys want someone fun and easy to be with, not someone that’s constantly worrying about the future. His actions or non-actions will tell you where it’s going. If it’s going somewhere, you’ll know it. If it’s not, you’ll know it too.
8. We need to talk. This is the equivalent of, “Go to the principal’s office”. Guys know it’s not going to be a fun conversation, so they’re already on the defense. If you need to discuss something, just casually bring it up when the both of you are relaxed. Don’t try to talk to him when he’s tired, stressed or trying to watch tv!
9. What are you thinking? What you’re really asking is: Is something wrong? Are you mad at me? Are you thinking about our relationship? Are you thinking about me? Are you thinking about someone else? If he wants you to know what he’s thinking, he’ll tell you on his own. If he doesn’t, he’ll lie when you ask.
10. I don’t trust you. What you’re actually saying is, “You need to step up your game, because I can see you’re up to something.” If he is up to something, he’ll just become even sneakier. Better to think smart and act dumb-it’ll be easier to get the evidence you need to confirm your suspicions.
Lucia is a dating and relationship expert, columnist, author and host of the TV Show "The Art of Love". With over 20 years experience on the relationship market, Lucia's practical know-how makes her the perfect candidate to dispense advice – in almost every dating dilemma she has been there, done that and lived to tell about it. For more information, go to: http://www.lessonsoflove.net
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